What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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