she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
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I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
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Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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