My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
