Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
