i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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