i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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