im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
He has the fingertips of a God
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