I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
