If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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