we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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