WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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