Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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