whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
