if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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