# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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