im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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