Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
