woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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