were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The air was thick with penises
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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