Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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