My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
