My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
