# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
