How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
