Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
