Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
