wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
