We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
