Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
