I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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