my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
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how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
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What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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