I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
