doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Is Oprah even human
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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