I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
