It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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