lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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