What did we do last night that was yellow?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
