Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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