i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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