today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
