sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
