his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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