Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
