never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
