Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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