Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
