last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
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I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
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I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize