I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
