Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
