my phone needs a breathalizer
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
