Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
