I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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