I wish I only lived at night.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had