New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Randomize
