Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
